(The J. Geils Band did that catchy pop song in the 80s,
"Love Stinks". It really got stuck in your head. And
what do we know about things we repeat over and over
again? We eventually think they are true! )
Here is my core belief about the human experience:
There are only two emotions in this life. Love & Fear.
All other feelings spring from them.
Email me if you challenge that notion and I'll prove it. List an emotion and I'll
show you how it relates to one of the BIG TWO.
So given that, if we think of love as a good thing, how
can it hurt?
Well, it doesn't. But the choices we make sure can.
And too much of the time, the choices we make around
love are based on pressure and expectation.
Pressure
Why do we get butterflies in our stomach when we
decide to tell someone we love them?
Why is it a joke when men awkwardly express affection
for each other by punching or calling names? (Think back
to Saturday Night Live skits you've seen, or pretty much
any bad comedy with two men in it.)
Have you ever had warm feelings for someone but waited
until THEY expressed their feelings first? I bet you have!
In each case: the butterflies, the awkwardness, the
avoidance, have nothing to do with love itself, but they
have everything to do with fear of rejection, fear of
being identified as something in particular (touchy-feely,
etc.--God forbid) and fear of making a mistake.
Did you notice that rejection is a major theme here?
Almost everyone seems afraid of giving without receiving
in return. The only people who express love
indiscriminately in our society are either the very young
or folks we view as mentally 'different.' How sad is that?
There is so much pressure to fear love and to love fear,
that it's little wonder 'sales holidays' like Valentine's Day
can cause problems.
You shouldn't tell your best friend that you love him but
you'd better buy the right gifts!
Expectation
Along those lines, are you getting or expecting flowers
this Valentine's Day?
Back in the day, I ran a flower shop and we'd tell the
public about how Valentine's Day and Mother's Day are
the two biggest flower buying days of the year. I could
go off on SUCH a rant right here, but I digress. What we
DIDN'T tell the public was a dirty little secret.
Can you guess which day is almost as tense as V'day?
The day AFTER Valentine's Day.
I came to call it NAG Day. National Acrimony and
Guilt
Day.
Men would rush in, panicked, begging for the long-stem
red roses that had sold out weeks prior, at insanely
inflated prices. Sometimes it would get ugly when I
couldn't help them.
"I must have red ROSES!" they'd scream as they clung
desperately to my cheerfully printed work apron.
"But I've got these beautiful spring flowers that will cost
less and last three times longer than those gas-forced,
likely to die tomorrow roses I don't have ANYWAY!" I'd
shriek in reply.
"That's not LOVE!" they'd spit as they stomped out, sure
I was wrecking their lives on purpose.
Why had these otherwise decent folk lost their
marbles?
They either 'forgot' the holiday or whatever they did the
day before wasn't 'good enough' for their paramour. The
tyrannical 'rules' say you buy the symbol and the emotion
will follow. Has that ever actually worked for you?
And honestly, I have a hard time believing anyone can
'forget' such a corporate holiday in this culture when the
red paper hearts go up the day Christmas decorations
come down in most stores. (I've even seen them at the
gas station. Help me understand THAT one.)
Still, there they were, the-broken-and-the-bloodied men
and sometimes women, with a lot more fear and pain on
their minds than love and romance.
Don't get me wrong; while I'd love to foment a revolution
that frees us from the tyranny of 'sales holidays', I'm
a
realist. The pressure to express something on
Valentine's
Day is immense and I'd be whistling in the wind if I
suggested that expressing love and appreciation every
OTHER day of the year is an even better idea. Once
again, I digress.
The 'good enough' aspect of expressing love is a real
Catch-22.
Most of the time, I hear couples say, "Well if s/he loved
me, s/he'd KNOW what I want." Or, "If I have to explain
it, it takes all the fun out of it and it doesn't seem like
s/he really means it."
Let me ask you this. Are you psychic? If you
are, then
you might already know what I'm going to say, so skip to
the end. If NOT, then how can you expect anyone else
to know what you want!?
The only way to get what you want is to communicate in
positive, measurable and specific ways . Boy,
have I ever
learned this lesson!
In order to MAKE clear what you want, you
need to BE
clear about what you want. And WHY you want specific.
"Everybody says this means love," does not count.
For instance, I joke about a problem I used to have
regarding household chores. For some reason, taking out
the garbage translated into "I love you" in my mind.
Rational? Nope. Yet, painfully troubling when the trash
piled up. Once I finally figured out why such a
thing meant so much, I was able to make some choices
about how I would deal with getting that need met.
What choices can you make to ensure you get what you
want? email me
for a free 30 minute consultation and I'll help you figure it
out.
And check out the tips below for ideas.
Here is another idea to consider about how you express
love. If you need to be bludgeoned with advertising to
remember to express your feelings, or if you don't get
any joy out of telling someone you love them, there is
something else going on. Maybe I can help.
One last, seriously non-romantic point before we get to
the fun
stuff.
Have you ever heard that old song, "You Always Hurt
The One You Love"?
It went a little like this:
You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall
You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall - So
If I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you
most of all
If anyone in your life ever, ever says anything like this to
you, think to yourself, "now that's just crazy" and leave.
If you can't leave on your own out of fear or confusion,
get help. Go to www.ndvh.org or call
1.800.799.SAFE.
Love is never pain.
Period .
.
Here is a peek at the love of MY
life.
